Fat Guy's Johnstown PA Golf Weekend

Roll your pants up like JoePa when you're in The Flood City

Fat Guy Review: By some statistical freak of nature, Johnstown PA got listed as the 10th best golfing city in America by Golf Digest '05, helped by a pair of Golf Digest 4-1/2 star courses a few towns over, along with low area population and low average greens fees, I'm sure. Either that, or somebody from the Chamber of Commerce fudged a few numbers on the application. Take it from me, it's my hometown and far from a golf mecca. Even if you're willing to drive an hour to 90 minutes from here, I can only think of about 5 or so halfway decent publics worth playing.

The real draw to come here for a golf weekend is just 35 minutes from downtown Johnstown in Blairsville PA for a pair of Golf Digest 4 1/2 star courses at Chestnut Ridge Golf Resort (Tom's Run & Chestnut Ridge Courses).

The pair have also received Golf Digest Good Service and Good Value awards. The Chestnut Ridge course is more old school, designed in 1964 by Harris & Garbin. With great views of the surrounding Laurel Mountains, try your luck on the signature risk/reward 14th, with a green perched atop a rock-faced wall. Tom's Run is a more modern design by Bill Love of the Ault/Clark firm. Taking it's name from a creek which wanders through the front 9, Tom's Run carves a scenic route through Laurel-pine-lined canyons before the back 9 trundles out onto gently rolling terrain. Chestnut Ridge is a steal at $49, and Tom's Run is reasonably priced at $76. Or play both for a great value deal at $99 (must play Chestnut Ridge first).

North Fork Golf & Tennis Club, Johnstown, PA

A sentimental favorite, I grew up on this course. My grandfather was a member for 10 years back in the day. It was also designed by Ferdinand Garbin, who designed the Latrobe Country Club layout that Arnie grew up on.  North Fork is a similar hilly Western PA billy goat track, the bottom 9 is flat with Stony Creek in play on nearly every hole, and the top 9 is built on the side of a mountain. Narrow fairways, and the greens are hard and don't hold, but slow for putting. 300 feet in elevation change from the 1st tee to the 10th (I used to walk 36 here as a teenager, but I wouldn't walk it if you're over 18). Some great par 3's. #17 may be my fave par 3 on the planet: a great downhill 135-yard half-wedge to a kidney-shaped green, with multiple pin placement options bringing deep bunkers front & left, or pines and creek long & right, into play. #11 is a 320-yard par 4 that's drivable with 3 or 5 wood, playing straight down the mountain. Some tricky, tough-to-club valley carries on the top 9. Legend has it that Arnie played an exhibition here in the 50's and drove the green on both the tight dogleg par-5 1st, and the par-4 18th, a 355-yard 90 degree dog right over trees with an elevated green (note: the trees have grown a lot since then). Maintenance is kinda shoddy, lots of dicey lies, but a fun, interesting layout and a good value. Rating: 7.5 (more like 8.5 considering your area options) 

Northwinds @ Indian Lake, Indian Lake PA

Pretty much in the middle of nowhere, but given the number of courses in the area, this one is worth the drive from Johnstown or Somerset. A sometimes challenging track in suprisingly good shape the last time I played it in '05. A couple new holes put in a few years ago made it a better layout, but it still has one or two Mickey Mouse par-4's. Some elevation changes, but not as up and down as some other area courses. Usually a pretty good wind blowing across the hilltops. They should have called this course "Postage Stamps at Indian Lake", because the vast majority of the greens are tiny and tough to hit. The routing gets tough out of the gate as #2 is a tight snaking downhill par 5 dog right. Two tough back-to-back downhill par-3s at #'s 14 & 15 can wreck a good score in a hurry. Nice vistas of Indian Lake and the surrounding Appalachian Mountains. A good value at $30 greens fees. Rating: 7.0 (considering lack of competition in the area).

Best Bar Nearby:
Old Tollgate Inn (141 Tire Hill Rd aka Rt 403, Benscreek). My hometown hangout, owned by the family of a buddy of mine from high school. A horseshoe bar surrounds a single TV which has shown every Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates game ever broadcast, and compliments a roughshod dining room. They serve 95-cent 10-ounce drafts (I can recall the days when the Tollgate regulars revolted after drafts went from $.60 to $.65). Order a shot and an Iron City if you don't want to get looked at funny. They make Fat Guy's 2nd Best Wings on the Planet (Outside of Buffalo NY). The model for my personal "It Ain't French Dressing" buffalo wing sauce. They also serve a great Western PA culinary tradition, "Fish on a Dish", a fried fish sandwich with 3 times as much fish as bun (a big hit with the Catholics from the church across the street). My mom loves their MOP burger. You can lay a $20 on the bar, eat wings and drink beers and shots all night, tip well, and go home with change. Make sure there's no dark cop cars in the church parking lot before you leave.

There's not much nightlife in Johnstown to speak of to begin with, and it's been awhile since I spent any time at home in full party mode. Last I was home, the hungover college kid bartender at the local Chili's recommended the bar at Penn National OTB's Pony Lounge (1435 Scalp Ave, Richland) to hit a decent dance floor in between wagering on the ponies, or Big Dogs in Oakland for a good sports bar with good wings. Back in the day, The Haven and Boulevard Grill (Langhorne Ave, Downtown) were always packed with elbow-to-elbow twenty-something small-town-angst (a great tradition at The Haven: if George Thorogood's One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer comes on the juke, you have to order and drink all 3 before the song ends… local smart-asses love to play it multiple times in a row). Dougherty's Terratory (430 Highland Park Rd) used to bring in good bands. There was once a dry Gentlemen's club downtown called Frank's Hen House, but no idea if it's still there.

Tip: Feel free to mingle with the friendly blue collar locals, but here's a list of things not to mock: The Steelers, Penn State or Pitt football, Sidney Crosby, patriotism, unions, flannel, Wal-Mart, or any make of American automobile. There's nothing to do in this town except get hammered, and the boys from here are proud and never quite get the high school football mentality out of their system. And I'm not knockin' it, 'cause deep down I'm still one of 'em.

Further Distractions: Johnstown is famous for it's floods (1889, 1936, 1977). Floods every 40 years, and the dumb bastards keep building it right back in the same spot. The documentary film at the Johnstown Flood Museum (www.jaha.org/FloodMuseum/history.html) won an Oscar (Tip: Take a piss before it starts). Start there for some area history, then head downtown and take the Incline Plane to the top for a view of the city. The dominant feature of the landscape is all the giant dormant mills on the outskirts of town, as Johnstown is also a quintessential example of a dead steel town. During one week in the mid-80's as the mills were shutting down, Johnstown had the highest unemployment rate of any city in the country, and the lowest crime rate of any city in the country... in the same week. Says a lot about the people here, but some have left since then. All The Right Moves starring a young Tom Cruise was filmed here. You get the picture. High school football still RULES in this area, so if you're in town on a fall Friday or Saturday, check the Johnstown Tribune Democrat for a game near you. They just put $1 million into my high school stadium at Conemaugh Township (Davidsville PA), and we're AA and not even that good. Then again, we gotta spend all that landfill tax revenue somehow. Also filmed in Johnstown was the Paul Newman cult classic Slap Shot. Unfortunately, you can no longer see that drop-the-gloves "old-time hockey" with the ECHL's Johnstown Chiefs, as they folded up operations in 2009 after the economy tanked. During the warmer months, take in a double feature at the delightfully old school Silver Drive-In (Eisenhower Blvd, Richland). Great value shopping at Galleria Mall (500 Galleria Dr, Richland). Or check out Johnstown's AIFL arena league football team, the Riverhawks (www.johnstownriverhawks.com).

Where To Grub: Just down the road from North Fork G&TC, Schaeffer's Tasty Freeze is an outstanding retro soft-serve ice cream stand (come out of the course and go L on Rt. 985 for 1 mile), open seasonally. Pray for Teaberry as the feature flavor. They don't make soft serve like this no more, especially at no Dairy Queen. If you're stuck in Johnstown for an entire weekend and already had Tollgate wings, other downtown Johnstown food traditions not to be missed include:Coney Island Lunch (127 Clinton St, Downtown). I don't think they've changed so much as a light bulb since about 1947, but they serve up the best 'dogs on the planet. Order a "Coney Island"; a grilled Berks hotdog piled high with mustard, chili sauce, and bitter onions, or the ever-popular post-last-call treat, the Sundowner, a burger topped with a fried egg then piled high with the same condiment combo. The owners lived behind my Pappap. Open late weekends. A Must Eat.

Fat Guy's Best Pizza On The Planet  is at Capri Pizza (502 Main St Downtown, and 214 Town Centre Dr Richland). I've had more than my fair share of great pizza from all over... Lombardi's in NYC, Lorenzo's in South Philly, Mack's and Nino's at the Jersey shore, Chicago deep dish, and some of the best wood oven pies from CA to NC.  I used to deliver for Capri in college, and I swear I'm not playing a homer when I tell you that to this day their thin-crusted, saucy, mozzarella-covered pie is the best I've ever had. In Johnstown PA (who knew?).  The sauce sets these pies apart, a perfect blend of tomato, garlic, and just a whisper of sugar.

I've never actually eaten there, but while surfing the internet I stumbled across a wing joint called C.K.'s Wings & Things (1484 Ferndale Ave, 814-536-3600, www.ckwingsnthingspa.com/) right near the school where my mom taught that serves 1100 different flavors of wings (yes, you read that correctly).  With that many choices, you're bound to find a flavor that hits your spot.  Wonder if they have a sampler platter?

The best Chinese in town is at Szechuan (124 Main St, Downtown). Get the chicken in garlic sauce, or hit the popular Sunday lunch buffet. For upscale, hit the restaurant at Incline Station with great views of the city, or Surf & Turf (100 Valley Pk, 8th Ward, near the hospitals) for my Dad's favorite crab cakes.