Fat Guy's Houston TX Golf Weekend

by Fat Guy

Houston is the essence of Texas.  A down-home mix of heat, pickup trucks, tacuerias, cowboy boots, NASA, refineries, high school football, barbeque, and it seems like two out of three radio stations broadcast in Spanish.  And your state pride pales in comparison to how Texans feel.  On a recent visit, I realized the waffle irons at the breakfast buffet at my hotel were putting out waffles in the shape of Texas, and the first guy I met at the chemical plant I visited had the Lone Star state flag tatooed big on his forearm.  I visit Houston occasionally for work, so I know my way around a tiny bit.

Houston's a good spot for golf, particularly in the fall and spring.  Per my local hosts, summer golf in Houston means one of two things:  either you tee off at 7AM and merely sweat nearly to death on the back 9; or if you're crazy enough to tee off late morning, you'll either walk off mid-round from the suffering, or pass out from dehydration.  It's also a great value spot for a buddy trip, with more midscale and budget options than upscale tracks.

Houston is a widespread beltway town, with 3 concententric circular routes (the inner loop I-610, the middlin Sam Houston Beltway 8, and the outer Route 6) as the best ways to navigate around town.  Which can sometimes mean that for a quick weekend visit, you'll only see the side of town you're staying on.  With that in mind, I've broken Houston down into sections, with golf, booze, and grub recommendations in each.

Where To Grub, Greater Houston:  Eat like a Texan while you're here.  There are 4 food groups in Houston: steak from Texas Longhorns, seafood from the nearby Gulf Of Mexico, TexMex, and Texas barbeque.  I'll steer you to the best of each no matter what part of town you're in.

Houston and SE Texas do local/regional chains better than most. I'll mostly stick to listing various locations of the best of Houston's local restaurant strings.

I don't know who Pappa is, but he owns about 6 of the best local chains in Texas. Pappa's various chains include Pappa's Steakhouse, Pappa's Seafood, Pappadeaux (Cajun), Pappasita's (TexMex), and of course, Pappa's BBQ (www.pappas.com).  Local Salt Grass Steakhouse is a great option for Texas beef. Pick your favorite cut of meat, they're all flavored with Salt Grass' signature 7 spice rub. Even the salads and Shiner Bock bread are awesome. Gringo's Mexican Kitchen (www.gringosmexicankitchen.com) is tops of Houston TexMex and Margaritas. And Tony's BBQ & Steakhouse is among Houston's most legit Texas BBQ. Order the 2 meat combo dinner with the sliced brisket and links sausage. Really, really good.

For a listing of BBQ joints all over the Greater Houston area, try Texas Monthly's list (http://www.texasmonthly.com/bbq/joints/east).

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Tip:  For North, NE, & NW Houston, fly into George Bush Airport.

North Houston-

Upscale:  Redstone GC, Humble TX.  You could call Redstone "The Augusta National of Texas".  Due to the Shell Houston Open hosted by Redstone falling the week before The Masters on the Tour schedule, a few years back Redstone's Superintendent started to set the course up similar to Augusta for the tournament (super-fast greens, only a short "second cut" of rough, fairways mowed back towards the tee box to reduce roll, etc.) to encourage Tour pros to play at the Shell to prepare for The Masters, rather than just practicing at home the week before.  After a few years of this, they even went so far as to remove some of Redstone's more rustic features like tall grasses and bushes, to give it more of a manicured feel, like Augusta.  Handed a heavily wooded site, Rees Jones crafted a classic risk-reward course that's part rugged, part refined and sure to create interest as the site of the Shell Houston Open. The rough-edged bunkers look as if they were carved by hand in the 1920s, while the Tour-spec greens, intricately contoured and impressively smooth, bespeak modern technology. The layout also has good pacing to it—for instance, a drivable par four followed by a pair of hefty nonconsecutive par fives. "There's a lot of variety," says David Toms, who consulted on the design.  Or, head for the Woodlands Resort & Conference Center, where players flock to the TPC at the Woodlands (www.tpc.com), a 1985 target-style layout with oodles of water or sand (or both) on nearly every hole. To score, check your ego at the clubhouse, keep the driver in the bag on the short par fours—and avoid the hazards at all costs. The resort reworked its formerly private Pines course into a new daily-fee spread called Panther Trail. With ten reconfigured holes and eight new ones on a rolling landscape framed by trees, mounds and water, the refashioned layout offers a stimulating test.

Midscale:  Cypresswood GC, Spring TX (www.cypresswood.com, $69 prime time ride).  T&L Golf says, "This gorgeous 1998 Keith Foster design sculpted from rolling land framed by tall pines, live oaks and sand flats puts the lie to Houston's image as a barren wasteland. Classic in appearance, the Tradition has old-fashioned virtues. Shot makers love it."  Tour 18 Houston, Humble TX (www.tour18golf.com) was one of the first replica courses in the country, and to Fat Guy's mind, they pretty much got it right.  The concept that makes this tour fun is the same one that makes it difficult. Great thought, lining up 18 of golf's greatest holes one on top of another, but they don't call them great because they're easy. Somewhere about the 3rd tee, you realize there's no such thing as a breather hole here. From starting on the 18th at Harbourtown to ending on Doral's Blue Monster, it definitely gets your attention, and keeps the excitement level up from beginning to end.  The highlight of Tour 18 for me was the replica of the 3 holes of Augusta's Amen Corner on the front 9. Tour 18's superb conditions, seriously cute beer cart grrl, drivable par 4's with greens surrounded by bunkers, and great strategy holes like the 11th at Merion, make it a fun experience all the way around. The plaques on each hole outline majors played on the original course, famous shots from the hole, and quotes from the likes of Nicklaus and Palmer, all adding a nice sense of history. I finished the round with that rare childhood excitement of wanting to go around again, saying "I could play this thing everyday."  Augusta Pines Golf Club's front nine is a liberal interpretation of the storied back nine at Augusta National. The layout's back nine borrows from Oakland Hills, Pinehurst and others, though the holes are inspirations, not clones. Site of a Champions Tour event, Augusta Pines is derivative but likable. [T&L Golf]

Budget:  Oakhurst GC received a $1.5 million renovation in 2004 and is only $50 to ride on weekends.

Booze:  D.B. Cooper's Mansion Gentlemen's Club near the Woodlands has a great name, Houston's classiest VIP, and Happy Hour 11AM-7PM every day of the week. Trophy Club is Houston's largest gentlemen's club, with $10 steak Wednesdays. St. James is a great G-Man's club/sports bar with Vegasy decor.  Get your car washed while you hang out.  Or Glamour Girls has good private areas.

Grub:  Start sampling the Pappa's family of restaurants with Pappa's Seafood (11301 North Fwy).  For steak near The Woodlands, head for another tasty Texas chain, Salt Grass Steakhouse (19533 I-45 S, www.saltgrass.com).  Or hit TexMex at Gringo's (6925 Cypresswood, Spring).

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NW Houston-

Upscale:  Black Horse GC, Cypress TX (www.blackhorsegolfclub.com).  Recommended by my local hosts as one of the best of Houston public golf.  36 holes of lush, manicured Jacobsen-Hardy design with tree-lined alleys, amoeba bunkers, greenside swales, and scruffy waste areas.  Portions of the South course are routed through an old sand quarry, while the North course is a wetter experience, routed through lakes, wetlands, and a meandering creek. A bit further out is La Toretta Lake Resort & Spa (Lake Conroe TX, halfway between Houston and College Station, www.latorettalakeresort.com).  Per my buddy Jeff R., Lake Conroe is a happenin' upscale spot.  This large lake is home to about 5 courses, La Toretta being among the best, and it's the kind of spot where you're likely to see well-bred hotties partying on yachts on the water.  The course boasts memorable but playable holes with large greens.  Tough hazards face big-hitter low-handicappers, but there are also bail out areas for the more casual golfer.  Unlimited golf packages start around $530 for a full weekend.

Midscale:  Houston National (www.houstonnationalgolf.com), ranked by some as the #2 public golf course in Houston, has 27 holes.

Budget:  Jersey Meadow GC (www.jerseymeadow.com, $49 prime time ride) is a playable muni located on a former dairy ranch.

Booze:  Head for Pleasures Cabaret (11150 NW Fwy).  This joint is famous for one thing only:  This is where Anna Nicole Smith was dancing when her soon-to-be husband, billionaire J. Howard Marshall walked in and whisked her away to a life of luxury followed rapidly by infamy.  Within 2 years she'd made the cover of Playboy and become the face of Guess Jeans, and tabloid/reality TV covered her downfall pretty well after that. Or head for Vintage Pub (13245 Jones Rd), a good party spot with live bands, plasmas, and Big Ass Beer specials.

Grub:  Go for some Pappa's BBQ (12917 NW Fwy).  In Conroe, grub at Pappadeaux (18165 I-45 S) for Cajun seafood.  Order the blackened catfish, it friggin' rocks.
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East Houston-

Midscale:  When in Houston, you gotta play a joint that was formerly the private haven of an oil company.  Texaco Country Club (www.texacogolfclub.com) is now semi-private, but alot more of an everyman's joint than you'd expect.  It's a classic old school routing complete with tree-lined holes, long cart bridges over water, and oaks dripping Spanish moss. Further east in Baytown, try Evergreen Point GC ($49 prime time, www.evergreenpointgolfclub.com).  A flat layout with plenty of water, magnolia trees, sculpted bunkers, and stone bridges modeled after Augusta National.

Budget:  Try Glenbrook GC (Houston, under $40 prime time, www.glenbrookgolfcourse.com). The current 18 hole routing doesn't resemble much of the original 9, which was Houston's second oldest and hosted the Houston Open back in 1929.  A 1983 government drainage project caused a redesign by Robert McKinney, bringing the surrounding bayou into play on 7 new holes.

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West Houston-

Upscale:  West of Houston is Meadowbrook Farms Golf Club (Katy, $65-$89, www.meadowbrookfarmsgolfclub.com), a well-groomed eighteen designed by Greg Norman that offers exceptional diversity. Wetlands, ponds and a tree-lined bayou must be avoided off the tees. Plateau greens, many bunkerless and embraced by close-mowed hollows, shrug off indifferent approaches. This subtle test is possibly Norman's finest daily-fee course in the U.S.

Midscale:  The Golf Club at Cinco Ranch ($64 prime time, www.golfclubatcincoranch.com) is a housing development course designed by Houston-based architect Carlton Gipson.  Despite being routed through a community, O.B. stakes only line 3 holes on both sides.  Water comes into play on 16 holes.

Budget:  Play Memorial GC ($49 prime time ride, www.memorialparkgolf.com), former host of the Houston Open from '52-'63. A 1995 renovation restored it to it's former glory. A great muni.

Booze:  Treasures was named the Houston Press' 2008 Best Strip Club for it's 'good fun' vibe.  The Men's Club got top spot on About.com's list due to it's location next to Houston's Galleria and upscale atmosphere.  Penthouse Club in the Galleria area has 3 elegant stages.  Centerfolds on the ever-popular Richmond strip has a Monday night Champagne Room special for $55.

Grub:  Go upscale with Pappa Bros. Steakhouse (5839 Westheimer Rd), or TexMex at Pappasita's Cantina flagship location (6445 Richmond).  Order the Diablo shrimp.  For good Buffalo wings, hit Wild Wing Cafe (Katy, www.wildwingcafe.com).  With 30 different flavors, there's a sauce for every member of your foursome.
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Tip:  For South, SW, & SE Houston:  Fly into Houston Hobby Airport.

SW Houston-

Midscale:  Head for Greatwood GC (Sugar Land, www.greatwoodgolf.com), a good value housing development course cleverly surrounded by fountained ponds, crisp-edged white sand bunkers, groves of pecan trees, and plenty of jealousy-inducing McMansions.  Prime time greens fees run around $53.

Budget:  Quail Valley GC (Missouri City, www.golfquailvalley.com) has two 18's.  The El Dorado Course ($43 prime time) hosted the Houston Open in 1973-74 and has since been redesigned by Jeff Blume.  The La Quinta ($53 prime time) is a more modern design, opened in 2008.  Or play River Pointe GC (Richmond, under $40 prime time, www.riverpointegolf.com).  This flat course set along the Brazos River features plenty of water hazards, lots of nature on display, and nary a house in sight.  It also drains well, so head here for a round after a hard Texas rain.

Booze:  Hit the aptly named Gold Digger Cabaret (11305 Main).

Grub:  Head for Texas chain Salt Grass Steakhouse (9110 SW Fwy, www.saltgrass.com).  Pick your favorite cut of meat, they're all flavored with Salt Grass' signature 7 spice rub.  Even the salads and Shiner Bock bread are awesome.  For TexMex, there are Gringo's locations in Stafford and Rosenberg.

South Houston-

Upscale:  Sienna Plantation GC (Missouri City, $69 prime time, www.siennagolf.com) is an Arthur Hills design named as the Houston Chronicle's 2009 Ten Best Courses in Houston. Eye candy doglegs around fountains, wetlands, water, mounds, swales, dry creek beds... all the Arthur Hills signatures.

Midscale: Wildcat GC (www.wildcatgolfclub.com) is built on an unusually hilly piece of ground for SE Texas... that's because it was formerly a landfill.  Cool Houston skyline views and decent conditioning (assuming you can ignore the occasional methane exhaust pipe and a few spots on the 18th fairway that looked like some old tires were showing through), but the caveat here is the lack of definition to the holes from the tee.  My best advice:  Hit for the 150 pole, and hope.

Budget:  Hermann Park MGC (www.hermannparkgc.com) is close to the city for a great jumping-off point for a downtown bar tour, and it's a great value muni, rated 3-1/2 stars by Golf Digest for prime time greens fees under $40.

Booze:  Go local at the Next Door Saloon (18430 County Rd 143, Pearland).  Down home atmosphere, hot barmaids, cook-offs, and parties.

Grub:  For TexMex, head for the flagship location of Gringo's (2202 E Broadway, Pearland).  For pizza, sports, and beer, meander over to Center Court Pizza & Brew (9721 Broadway, Pearland, www.centercourtpb.com).
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SE Houston-

Midscale: Timber Creek GC, Friendswood TX. 27 holes of pure fun. The Pines is very playable, the Creekside is tighter but shorter, and Timber Trails is long, tight, and tough. All three 9's are in good shape. High handicappers should play the Pines/Creekside combo, while single digits will enjoy the challenge of Creekside/Timber Trails.

Budget:  The Battleground @ Deer Park, Deer Park TX.  Not bad for a muni, saves itself from the typical with fairways narrowed by enough water to make a couple sleeves disappear, big variations in tee positions, water carry approaches, and a few blind water hazards crossing mid-fairway. Avoid the rental clubs.

Booze:  There's a Hooter's (Pasadena) in the area. Or hit Moment's Gentlemen's Club (5133 Spencer Hwy, Pasadena). The interior is a shade on the old-school-burlesque side, lots of wood panels, and suitably dark. An 8-seater bar and lots of rolling 4-tops surround the round stage, but conspicuously absent are any stage-side seats, relieving you of the obligatory $2-per-dancer tariff. I was there on a random Monday evening, and to be honest, I was ready to be disappointed in the joint. There were only 2 dancers on duty, and neither one was on stage for the first 2-1/2 songs that played after I bellied up to the bar. Then Dylan came out. WOW. Barely 18 years old, about to graduate high school, stupid tight and curvy, only dancing for 2 months, claimed to be in it for the excercise and thrill more than the money, and wore her 5-inch stripper heels to the prom. Couch dances were worth the $20 freight, with no house rules to speak of. Worth a visit just for a chance that Dylan is on duty. Near Hobby Airport, hit Ritz Cabaret.  This Bay area club hosts weekly events like pudding wrestling.

Grub:  For grub, head for Grand Prize BBQ (2223 Palmer Hwy, Texas City; 3002 E Pasadena Fwy, Pasadena, www.grandprizebarbeque.com), one of Houston's best.  Order the Super Chop sandwich, chopped brisket and link sausage surrounded by Jalepeno Cheese Bread, and their sauce has some kick to it.  A little closer to Battleground is some super-solid BBQ at local chain Tony's Barbeque & Steakhouse (www.tonysbbq.com).  Or hit the La Porte or Texas City outposts of TexMex chain Gringo's.

Further Distractions:  Spend an evening or full weekend hanging out at the Kemah Boardwalk (Kemah, 20 mi SE of Houston on Galveston Bay, www.kemahboardwalk.com).  Ten restaurants, retail therapy for your golf widow, an aquarium, dancing fountains your kids will love to cool off in, a mini-railroad, boardwalk games, a 2-story carousel, a ferris wheel, and the Boardwalk Bullet roller coaster.  The upscale Must Eat experience at Kemah is the Aquarium Restaurant, which feels like Vegas-casino-meets-Disney's-20,000-Leagues-Under-The-Sea.  Order the grilled mahi mahi and shrimp among the tranquility of 50,000 gallon tanks of tropical fish.  Also, don't miss the buffalo crawfish tails at Landry's Seafood, the crab dip at Joe's Crab Shack, your favorite cut of steak with Salt Grass Steakhouse's signature 7-spice dry rub and sautee'd mushrooms, or drinks at Cadillac Bar.  My buddy Marler recommends nearby Willie G's for live tunes, lake views, and steamed crawfish.  Stay at the Boardwalk Inn ($150-$270 summer, lower prices in the fall). 

Downtown Houston-

Booze & Grub:  Fat Guy digs the neighborhood outdoor dive vibe at West Alabama Ice House, 1919 W Alabama St, tin-roofed shed with short bar, picnic tables, pool table, and good juke.  Call 'Next' on the outdoor hoops court while you sip on a Lone Star beer and pet one of the regular's dogs at this blue-collar joint.

Go for TexMex at the Houston outpost of Austin institution Chuy's.  Eclectic atmosphere, great outdoor tables, and a few TV's over the short bar.  I'd call the food average, come here more for people watching and the funky mid-Century decor.

Maximum Golf (a short-lived golf mag by the guys at Maxim) says when in Houston, try to get to The Big Easy Social & Pleasure Club, 5731 Kirby Dr, genuine grizzled blues on stage, and a late night BBQ chef Thurs. to Sun. to satisfy the munchies. OR, Continental Club, 3700 Main St, Houston outpost of famous Austin club features mixed bag of TX music. Check out Lil' Joe Washington's Wed. night happy hour for the wildest blues on the planet. OR,  OR, T.K. Bitterman's, 2010 W Alabama St, quiet watering hole in a converted house, good place to catch a game, award-winning martinis. OR, The Fabulous Satellite Lounge (aka "Fab Sat"), 3616 Washington Ave, only survivor of the old school live music strip in Houston. Tip: If Reckless Kelly from Austin is playing, the female-to-male ratio goes through the roof. OR, Fitzgerald's, 2706 White Oak Dr, rambling converted Polish dance hall, eclectic music, divey. For Houston's best Buffalo wings, head for Coozan's Hot Wings & Bayou Cafe (8236 Kirby Dr).

Playboy After Dark digs: