Tip: Never jump in a Vegas cab and ask the cabbie to take you to the "nearest/best" Gentlemen's club… First, cabbies can't really afford to frequent Gentlemen's clubs so they don't really know what goes on inside the door, and B: big name cash-sucking clubs often pay cabbies for delivering drunk idiots (like you) to their doors.

My buddy Vogey, who is something of an expert on this medium, recommends The Spearmint Rhino, just off the Strip. "It's dangerous," was his quote. Admittedly Vogey is one of those guys who throws money around like it's gonna evaporate tomorrow, but he says the $30 cover, $9 beers, $14 mixed drinks, and table reservation fees are worth it for the 120-150 legitimately model-gorgeous dancers, offering almost a one-to-one dancer-to-horndog ratio, and constant private dance offers. He says skip the standard $20 lap dance for the 3-for-$100 offer in the back room, and outline the "rules" with a cool dancer up front. Basically, the higher the price per song, the lower the number of rules. Be careful though, he met a guy on his way out seriously mumbling to himself with severe tab shock after he'd given the backroom attendant his credit card and couldn't say no for a little too long.

Fat Guy Tip: Never, ever go plastic at a strip club--always stick to cash--for two reasons: 1, giving away real cash money keeps your spending tangible, not just some imaginary inaccurate drunken ticker in your head, which helps with self-discipline, especially when you're halfway to hammered. 2, the occasional unscrupulous Vegas Gentlemen's club has been known to pad the bill--heavily--on occassion, and chances are you'll be in no condition to remember, let alone argue, how many drinks and lap dances you really had when your tab shows up 4 hours later.  Sticking to cash and paying as you go makes bill padding much easier to spot.

Maxim says Vegas' craziest club is Crazy Horse Too (www.crazyhorsetoo.com), but the Champagne Room is a rip off (Fat Guy Note: this is normally a no-brainer assumption, but not if the former Philly location is any indication; grease the back room bouncer with a Jackson for lower supervision levels--a good tip at many clubs). And who could forget the cinematic classic Showgirls, filmed at Cheetah's (www.cheetahsnv.com), named as Irreverent Guide To Vegas' fave as management prides itself on the friendly vibe. Before an outpost of NYC's Scores opened up here with marble floors, New Vegas decadence decor, popular with celebs, and steep prices, longtime fan Howard Stern called the top-shelf talent at Club Paradise (www.clubparadise.net) "my Scores away from home."  Expect seating by a maitre d', high tabs, and a few former centerfolds on staff. Jaguars bills itself as "The Bellagio Of Gentlemen's Clubs", a $25 million masterpiece of marble with a full service restaurant. Local faves include Palomino Club, the only 100% all-nekkid joint in town that serves booze, with unique old-fashioned burlesque shows performed by pretty-but-hard-bitten, mercenary-like dancers. Another local fave is Olympic Gardens (www.ogvegas.com), which cultivates airs with Roman décor, a more-lace-than-leather lingerie shop, and a ladies' side with buff long-haired stud muffins. But with 300 dancers on staff, it begins to feel mass-produced. Big names also include The Gold Club.  And how can you resist places with nameslike Pussycat's House Of Pain? (3525 Procyon St).

Go uber-upscale with stupid-green-fees at Wynn R&GC or Shadow Creek.  Both are lush, top notch layouts with waterfalls and sparkling creeks in the desert, both cost $500, and both may require a well-connected concierge to get on if you're not staying on-site. 

For other Vegas upscale golf options, here's Golf Digest Senior Travel Editor Matty G's Vegas Picks: "A little over an hour away in Mesquite NV is Wolf Creek, No. 21 on Golf Digest’s list of America’s 100 Greatest Publics. But the brand of golf, straight from a Bud Chapman painting, is too over the top for me. I prefer all three Pete Dye courses at Paiute (45 minutes from the Strip), both Tom Fazio’s at Primm Valley (an hour from the Strip), and Royal Links. Based on a cheesy concept (18 holes from 11 of the British Open rota courses), Royal Links is close (10 minutes), it’s not bad, and that’s the course that offers Par Mates, the sexy female caddies in little kiltish skirts with an emphasis on keeping your equipment clean—they don’t actually carry your clubs, but they will wash your irons, balls, hold the flag, and flirt throughout the round." Fat Guy Note: If you can't talk/spend your way into marrying a Vegas dancer/escort ala The Hangover, then the company of a Par Mate on the course is a steal at $225 (plus a likely sizeable drunken 5-hour-round tip, www.waltersgolf.com/par-mates-caddy-program.asp, reserve 72 hours in advance), and Par Mates are also available at sister courses Bali Hai and Desert Pines, as well as a similar T-Mates program chock full of hottie caddies at Rio Secco Golf Club (www.riosecco.net/sites/courses/layout9.asp?id=604&page=32616).

Stay at the billion-dollar Red Rock Resort just outside of town. It's off The Strip, but it's worth the commute for the cool mod rooms to crash in, a club-like bowling alley complete with loungy couches and bottle service, and the bathing suits on the waitresses at Sandbar which draw open-mouthed, stop-in-mid-stride staring.

Los Angeles, CA

OK, you're now in the town where the top 2% of the most beautiful women on the planet get off the proverbial bus everyday, and not all of them end up becoming movie stars (one of my ex's ended up out here to try the acting/singing/modeling thing, and says the standard L.A. just-met-someone-at-a-party joke is, "Oh, you're an actress?  What restaurant do you work at?"). With all that talent swimming in the pool, some of it's bound to end up going for the easy money at the Gentlemen's clubs.

Not only does famed L.A. gentlemen's club The Body Shop get the ultimate plug with a mention in Motley Crue's Girls Girls Girls, it's also where Demi Moore researched her role in the laughable Striptease. But the main reason you need to go there is this story:  Both uber-hot Megan Fox and uber-sultry Eva Mendez have admitted crushing on Body Shop dancers who were so hot that both Eva and Megan temporarily switched teams and had relationships with them. Those reasons alone are enough to automatically name The Body Shop as having the Hottest Dancers On The Planet, but be prepared to drop a mortgage payment or two for a full blown evening there. With a rep like that and all-nekkid dancers, who cares if they don't serve booze.

Speaking of The Crue, L.A. is their hometown and the L.A. strip clubs were their stompin' grounds before they all got old and sober. The original video for Girls, Girls, Girls was banned from MTV due to nudity, and it was shot at the Seventh Veil. There was trouble when finding a location because most strip clubs didn't serve alcohol. The dancers were from mainly the Seventh Veil, and Tropicana, which was Vince Neil's favorite club. [Wikipedia]

The L.A. strip club scene is a different breed than most.  Some hotspots evolve from other types of establishments, which can translate into a sometimes-kitschy speakeasy feel that helps the Angelino actors-cum-waiters feel like they're in the know. And the depth of the talent pool combined with the sheer size of L.A. means this is one of the most expansive G-man club scenes in the country. With that in mind, LosAngeles.com recommends the following for their Best Of L.A. strip clubs:

Jumbo's Clown Room crossed the line from neighborhood bar to strip club back in '82.  Jumbo's is the place to see sexy, scantily clad starlets entertaining hoards of patrons, from drooling males to fun-loving females who are there to join in on the fun. Wild costumes, theme nights, holiday parties and killer happy hour prices are just a few of the reasons why Jumbo's Clown Room is still a thriving strip club in Hollywood; the main reason is that the women are hot.

Restaurant. Full Bar. Adult Cabaret. No, you haven't died and gone to heaven, you've simply found the goldmine that is Sam's Hofbrau. Widely considered to be one of the best strip clubs in all of Los Angeles, Sam's Hofbrau is everything anyone could ever want in an exotic bar. Gorgeous women take to the stage seven days a week, the fully loaded menu of pub fare is fantastic, the cocktails are stiff and the atmosphere is just plain fun. Could anyone ask for more than this? Oh yeah, how about the fact that there's no admission cost and they have just about every alcohol under the sun. If you're still sitting here in front of the computer and you're not on your way to Sam's, something is wrong with you.

Located in the industrial part of downtown Los Angeles, the Playpen is one of the most eclectic fully nude clubs around. On some nights, guests who stick around can experience an after hours mini-rave with a live DJ, complete with a strange mix of nude dancers, rave partiers and customers. Other nights, the club stays open till 4am, and the dances get significantly wilder the later it gets and the less people there are. One of the highlights here is the installment of little private dance cubicles with see-through curtains; this adds up to a much higher mileage (a.k.a. naughty factor of lap dances). Even the day shift at this wild club is fairly busy, due in part to the downtown location and the proximity to many of the corporate offices in the area; the business lunch crowd has never been so happy.

Exotic City takes no prisoners. Or, maybe they do, if that's your thing. This fully nude strip club is truly one of the most daring around. All of the one-on-one private dances can be catered to meet the desires and fantasies of the customer. Whether you're looking to watch two women dance for you at once, get a taste of domination and submission, experience role-playing or worship an older woman, Exotic City is the place to find it. While the extensive list of entertainment options at Exotic City may make this place seem like it's not for the weak, just remember that they genuinely want everyone to have the most erotic and enjoyable experience that they can get.

A convenient spot for both weary travelers and anyone looking for a good time, the Wild Goose is both a full service restaurant and a cabaret sports bar. With good food, topless women, pool tables, sports and ice-cold beer, this wildly fun club basically combines all of the greatest things in life and puts them under one roof. The Wild Goose features 17 bottled brews, 25 beers on tap, and a full menu that features everything from soft pretzels to steaks to every type of burger imaginable. The girls are nothing less than gorgeous, ranging from the petite blond girl-next-door types to Asian beauties.

Here's some clubs more on the standard G-Man's club tip, per LosAngeles.com:

With wild, beautiful women entertaining the male population of Los Angeles seven nights a week, you can never go wrong with the Spearmint Rhino. While the name may not make much sense, the appeal of this club does: hot women, amazing dance routines, customer appreciation nights and free lunch buffets Monday through Friday. The Spearmint Rhino is especially popular among college and military boys, since they get in for half the price on Mondays. The downside of this fully nude bar is that, since it's fully nude, there's no alcohol present; the upsides are that you only have to be 18 to get in and the naughty-factor is off the charts.

A plush, red velvet den of debauchery, Deja Vu looks like a salacious crimson lair straight out of the days of Moulin Rouge. All the standard strip club entrees are on the menu: nude couch dances, topless lap dances, topless table dances, private half-hour dances and more. There are even theme rooms where you can enjoy a private theme dance. Stop in on Sundays to watch the Amateur Night girls compete for one thousand dollars in cash and prizes, or treat yourself to a ten-dollar dance special on Monday nights. The Déjà Vu Showgirls club is also one of the best places to host a bachelor party or a birthday party that will leave everyone drooling.

Plan B is a pure L.A. upscale club often filled to the brim with high-rollers seeking a good night out, evidenced by the frequent amount of exotic cars filling the parking lot. In addition to unparalleled elegance and some of the most stunning, bikini-clad dancers in the area, Plan B also boasts an incredible menu of gourmet fare, such as seared black sesame ahi in a lobster-infused mushroom sauce and fillet mignon topped with molten Gorgonzola. This cozy, intimate destination is a true "Gentlemen's Club," replete with the class and sophistication sought in the most high-end lounges, as well as a full bar that offers everything from Cristal champagne to fine cognacs to delicious cigars.

On any given night, everyone from celebrities to politicians can be spotted ogling the playmate-quality dancers on the 4 Play stage. The ambiance of this club is unique, offering an intimate setting with a sense of old-world charm, complete with fine art depicting tasteful images of nude, Venus-esque women. The girls, on the other hand, get down and dirty well enough to leave no one minding the fact that nude bars in LA means no alcohol. With the two separate private dance rooms, the VIP area and delicious private dance options like private stage performances or bed dances on fake beds, absolutely anyone can find their way to happiness here. The best part is that this club isn't raunchy; it's tastefully dirty with just enough sass to keep even the frat boys happy.

Rouge has the feel of a plush European gentlemen's club. The beautiful main room boasts red leather booths, cushy velvet chairs and a gorgeous stage with two poles and red and violet accent lights. The girls here are top-notch, especially on Thursday and Friday nights when the dancers are some of the biggest names from the XXX film industry. The highlight of this fully nude Los Angeles strip club is the VIP room, which is bigger than VIP rooms in many other clubs, and features a stage with a pole, a bar, restrooms, lap dance areas and an ATM machine for anyone who just can't get enough. Rouge is ideal not only for bachelor and private parties, but it is also nice enough that you could bring an open-minded date.

As the name would suggest, Bare Elegance serves up some seriously hot bare-bottomed girls in an incredibly elegant atmosphere. There are iniquitous red lights all over the place, candlelit tables and violet accent lights, keeping the ambiance seductive but allowing you to see everything you want. The kitchen serves some pretty impressive food, from salads to burgers to steak, and all the standard non-alcoholic drinks are available. The ultra-plush, private upstairs Skybox rooms are sinfully delicious, decked out in red and undeniably cushy, hence the insane prices ($500 for 30 minutes). Bachelor and private parties are best hosted in the Sky Lounge, which has it's own private stage and looks down on the main stage, so guys can still be part of the main club's action and even look down to the main stage to see if they want the dancer to come upstairs.

If you can afford a full night or three at one of the upscale L.A. strip clubs, then you can afford the best of L.A. public golf.  Head for Trump National.  Golf Magazine says, "A premier site on the coast overlooking the Pacific Ocean with a setting unlike any other public track in the L.A. area. Dye has included all of the challenging greens, gnarly rough, and the extensive bunkering you'd expect. Unfortunately, it's not the best deal in town at [$160-$275]. Bring plenty of ammo. Semi-convenient to LAX for a pre-flight round or a day-killer for any unscheduled extended layovers."

After exhausting all the L.A. strip club scene has to offer, you'll need some hip Hollywood digs to crash in.  My buddy Scott spent a lost evening on the Sunset Strip on a biz trip with a local 20-something sales guy as a tour guide. Scott lost most of a night at The Standard Hotel (8300 Sunset Blvd, www.standardhotels.com/hollywood). Your first impression is of a body-painted nude live model "mermaid" behind the check-in desk. One bar is near the pool with the expected Hollywood beautiful people and hip DJs. The Purple Lounge is hidden away inside the hotel's 24/7 Restaurant with a speakeasy feel. The NY Times described The Standard as "a hybrid of modernist architecture and Rock-n-Roll". Elle Magazine quipped, "The in spot as much for its playful irony as its location", while Playboy simply called it "Hollywood's hippest hotel". A great spot to stay, play, party, or all of the above.

Tijuana, Mexico

I saved the best for last.  Tijuana is probably the best spot in (almost) North America for Boys' Night Out. 

So if you're looking to venture south of the border to get in a little trouble, but want to stop short of ending up in a Mexican jail or seeing a show that involves livestock, the #1 and #2 Gentlemen's clubs in North America as rated by reader reviews at UltimateStripClubList.com are Hong Kong and Adelitas in Tijuana.  We're not talking about bending the rules here... we're not even talking about breaking the rules... we're talking... Rules?!  We don't need no stinking rules!

Yes, you can play a decent round of golf in Tijuana.  Head for Club Campestre Tijuana (aka Tijuana Country Club, www.tijuanacountryclub.com). On the border with San Diego, this classic Alistair MacKenzie hillside design has luscious landscaping and is a great value.

Where to stay?  Hmmm.  Let's see.  Passing out drunk anywhere in Mexico (even a hotel room)...  Not recommended.  Make a late night/early morning run for the border with a designated driver, and head back to San Diego. Downtown, the W San Diego (www.starwoodhotels.com) attracts the young and the hip, and it’s a brief walk from the bustling Gaslamp Quarter.

[Fat Guy Note:  I have only explored some of these courses/locations.  As always, proper research and reservations are required.]

Know a great Gentlemen's Club near a good golf course?  Send 'em to me at the Contact Fat Guy link below, and I'll add 'em to the list.